Masterbation Tehniques

Blowing his cover

“Look officer, let me say again, I’m a law abiding, calm, reasonable, and infinitely patient man.  Then last Thursday, my wife, bless her, discovered me using my Autoblow Blast.

I use the Autoblow to fulfil my er…needs. Call me a dirty old man if you like, but I like a good blowjob, and since my wife long since decided that ‘talking into the microphone’ should be reserved purely for her infernal karaoke machine, I decided to get a little machine of my own.

The Autoblow Blast? Ah well, you should get one officer, it gives me a perfect deep throat blowjob every time, dependably, reliably, unquestioningly. Oh, and of course, fully automatically, I abandoned hand cranking long ago. With the Autoblow, I just sit back and let the machine do all the work for me.

So yes, as I was saying, last Thursday, I was a little complacent. I used it while she was still in the house instead of while on one of her many shopping trips. So there I was, pleasuring myself in the bathroom, when she walks right in on me.

I tell you officer, she was not exactly impressed, she accused me of cheating on her with a filthy machine. Can you believe it? She pulled it off me and threw it out of the window. Right out of the window across the lawn. That was bad enough, but then Bowser got hold of it. Bowser’s her damn dog, and he loves burying things. So Bowser goes and buries my Autoblow Blast. I still can’t find the darn thing even though I have looked in all his favorite places. It’s enough to test the patience of a saint.

My wife? I think she’s gone to her mother’s to cool off.  I keep telling you officer, I haven’t seen my wife since she discovered my Autoblow Blast. Yes of course I’m sure, I’ve just told you.

Hmm? The dog? As far as I know she didn’t bring Bowser with her. Why do you ask?”

With acknowledgement to the genius of the Nutri-Balance dog food campaign

www.roboticblowjob.com

Don’t try these at home (or anywhere else for that matter)

There are hundreds, if not thousands of masterbation techniques that make things go absolutely deliciously right, but what happens when some inventive masterbation techniques go disastrously wrong? Here are some true life examples of Massive Masterbation Mess Ups:

Crushing moment

An 18 year old guy decided it would be cool to masterbate using a flute-style glass flower vase. It was, he surmised, just the right width and length. He opened a trunk and placed the open lip of the vase in the lid, creating a vice with which to hold it in place.  When he got on his knees he found to his satisfaction that it was the perfect height for a bit of bump and grind.

For a while it was working splendidly, until he applied too much pressure on the lid and it crushed the vase with his cock still inside it. He applied the pressure just when he was climaxing, and the action severely lacerated his tool. There was blood everywhere, and he had to have emergency surgery. The wounds were superficial but he had to have 30 stitches in his cock. The incident has left long lasting emotional scars. He even contemplated suicide many times, and almost did it once.

Not such a bright Idea

Another gentleman came home drunk one night and started masturbating in the bathroom. Because he was three sheets to the wind, he wasn’t getting any good sensations from his efforts. He squatted and screwed a burned out light bulb into his ass (as you do). When he came he fell backwards and broke the light bulb. It took a lot of straining, digging and tearing to get the metal out of his ripped up rectum. He bled for two days and wisely had decided not to insert anything breakable in his butt anymore.

Don’t bottle it up

One lady opted for sex with a glass Coca-cola bottle. It became stuck in her pussy and wouldn’t come out due to vacuum pressure in the bottle creating a seal inside her pussy. She had to call the ambulance come and drill a little hole in the bottle to let some of the air out and it finally slipped out. She has vowed never to have bottled sex again.

Cucumber sandwich, anyone?

One 19 year old gentleman decided it would be excellent entertainment to insert a cucumber all the way up his anus. He had successfully tried it before and was always able to retrieve it. On this occasion however, it went in, but he couldn’t get it out. As luck would have it, he had a previous engagement with a friend that afternoon so incredibly, he went with the cucumber still lodged in his butt. He was in fact fine for most of the afternoon until suddenly he felt the pressing urge to crap a cucumber. He had to rush to the bathroom, but fortunately nobody was the wiser. Remember to pass on the cucumber sandwiches if you go to tea with this guy!

Have you seen my libido?

Has your friskiness ever just deserted you? Your get up and go, just got up and gone? For some inexplicable reason, you feel flatter than 5 day old Coke. After a few days even your girlfriend starts to notice. And the funny thing about women is, they love to rebuff you when you’re as horny as a hound dog, but the moment you lose your fizz, they delight in telling you you’re fat, you’re old, you’re past your prime, and you can’t get it up. Meanwhile, your dozy cock sits there quietly and he hears all this, and he’s steaming mad, but he can’t do anything about it because the sparkplugs are not sparking. But he wants revenge.

So if your libido has gone AWOL somewhere in the Kalahari desert, here are some tried and tested foods to entice it back. Some of these have been around for centuries, some of them have been discovered entirely by happy accident. You don’t have to resort to overpriced penis pills just because Percy has temporarily lost his pep. All of these are readily available in your local supermarket. Try some of these foods and soon you’ll be back to your patented masterbation techniques, and tearing off your partner’s pretty little panties. Why? Because the Beast is back!

Durian

Once you get past the odor of this South East Asian”king of fruits,” you’ll discover it has a pulp like a sweet, rich custard. In Malaysia they say “When the durians come down, the sarongs come off.”

Nutmeg

In small doses this piquant spice can cause a drunken, aphrodisiac effect, but be careful, in large quantities (anything over four teaspoons), nutmeg can spur highly dangerous hallucinogenic reactions.

Green M&M’s/Peanut M&M’S

Say what you like, these work. Maybe it’s the combination of nuts and chocolate, both of which have libido restoring qualities with the protein in the nuts and the L-Arginine in the chocolate, but these sweeties are boner-fied!

Oysters

With this well known aphrodisiac you have to get past the sight instead of the smell. But once you learn how to slurp away, the sensual shellfish’s aphrodisiac reputation is well earned — oysters are high in zinc and aspartic acids which, in fact, increase testosterone levels.

Avocado

The Aztecs are responsible for the avocado’s standing as an aphrodisiac, and again, they were on the money. The Aztecs call the fruit “Ahuacuatl” (which translates to “Testicle tree”). But avocados are rich in vitamin E – the same nutrient that makes asparagus famous for its friskiness.

Garlic

Garlic desn’t only wardoff Vampires, it also stirs sexual desires. In fact, the fragrant bulb is so famously amorous that Tibetan monks were once forbidden from entering Monasteries after eating it. Modern science has confirmed that garlic improves blood circulation, in turn enhancing sexual performance.